Young couples, entering into marriage, believe that everything will be like a fairy tale: "They lived happily ever after." In fact, from this point on the tale is just beginning. And there are ups and downs in family relationships.
Such stages are logical for family development and are an integral part of it. So, if you are faced with a family crisis, then the family is alive and developing. Let's analyze the psychology of family crises together.
What is the crisis of family relationships?
Family crises are stages of particular psychological stress between partners. The family is not a static education, so each phase of its development entails a heat of emotions among the spouses. At the same time, not only the family develops, but each of its members individually.
Regardless of our desire, intervening age crises husband and wife.
Add more social development. Interestingly, in any family crisis periods coincide in time. Quarrels and claims to each other spouses are not unique.
This leads to two conclusions. The first is that everything will pass, you should not be angry and blame each other. The second is that you can prepare for crises and come up fully armed.
How to determine that the family is on the verge of a new crisis? There are several alarming symptoms to look out for:
- decrease in passion for the partner. Conversations "heart to heart" disappear, plans and interests of each other are not discussed;
- separation. Husband is suspended from domestic affairs, goes head to head to work or hobby. The wife can concentrate on the children, life, forgetting about their femininity;
- frequent quarrels or vice versa absolute indifference. At the same time, after reconciliation, there remains a feeling of understatement and resentment;
- extinction of sexual activity in one or both partners. May be associated with age features. What especially should be alerted - the reluctance of tactile closeness - hugs, kisses;
- manifestation of disrespect. In debates or debates, everyone is ready to hear only himself. Distrust and resentment against each other may appear;
- the separation of relatives and friends in the camp "for the husband" and "for the wife";
- workaholism. It refers mostly to men. Usually, those who do not feel needed at home go to work.
The appearance of such moments in family life may mean that it is time to turn around facing each other and start working on strengthening the marriage. And this is work on oneself in the first place, on one’s ability to accept a loved one and oneself as one is.
Stages of development of family relationships
Psychologists offer us different periods of family development. Allocate regulatory and non-regulatory family crises.
Under the normative crises mean those who are experiencing all families. In accordance with this periodization, the following stages are distinguished.
Premarital period. At this time, the formation of the individual, leaving the parental family. A partner appears, first courtship skills.
Creating a family, marriage. This is the period of the first crisis. Here family roles are distributed, the boundaries of the spouses' proximity and their communication with relatives and friends are set.
Partners for the first time face each other in everyday life and relate the ideal image of a loved one to its real manifestation. Some suddenly discover that the other half is snoring or throwing socks.
Frank conversations, the designation of their borders and the still great desire to be around make it possible to successfully pass this crisis and create the first basic foundations of the family.
Birth of children and family with small children. With the advent of the firstborn, spouses are faced with the development of a new role for their parents. The emergence of new responsibilities, their distribution, long and sometimes exhausting care for the baby can be a serious test for a young family.
In addition to the appearance of children, the professional growth of family members also falls on this period. That also can not affect the relationship. You have to combine and balance between work and intimacy with your loved ones.
Not everyone succeeds at once, many take years to get used to the new rhythm and create a mode that suits everyone. Here partners are required flexibility and a common understanding of the goals and values of the family.
An important point in this stage is also the acquisition of new roles by the progenitors - that is, the grandparents. The appearance of grandchildren for them is an opportunity to convey their experience, to show new qualities.
Grandmothers can overdo it in their desires to help in raising and caring for a child. Or, on the contrary, it’s too cold to treat your new role.
It often happens that the parents of this very grandson are not thrilled by the interference in their family. Here a clear definition of the boundaries and rules of the family comes to the rescue.
The third crisis - the children go to the garden, school. Here again, there may be a redistribution of roles and the emergence of new tasks, which leads to the search for new solutions. The change of family mode, control over the social life of children, help with homework - all this is to be for parents.
Family with adolescent children. This stage carries the adoption of new ways of behavior of the child. Teenager defends its independence.
And makes it, at times, unexpected ways for parents - not always pleasant. It is good for adults to remember themselves at this age in order to understand the actions of children.
In addition, this crisis often overlaps with the middle-aged crisis of the parents themselves. And without that difficult family relationships are subjected to additional tests. A life review, an assessment of achievements is a rather difficult crisis for everyone.
It is at such moments that betrayals and divorces often occur. But at this stage of the crisis is not exhausted.
It is often found that at the same time, the progenitors are experiencing a crucial moment - retirement. If the family has a close relationship with grandparents, it will affect her.
Stage of a family with adult children and their department. A characteristic change in this period is that the couple once again remain together. Their educational function is complete and again they have to find new ways to interact with each other.
Often couples lose the habit of being alone. They find it difficult to restructure and begin to devote all the time only to themselves and their beloved.
It is important that at this stage professional and social activity is still maintained. This is a wonderful period in order to re-recognize each other, travel and enjoy life together.
Stage of care of one of the partners. This is a crisis of loss and loneliness. Widowed partner adapts to the new life. Looking for family ties, accepting help from loved ones.
All families live similar crises in their lives. However, there are additional unexpected stressful situations that are called non-regulatory crises.
These include cheating, prolonged illness or death of one of the spouses, divorce, new marriage, relocation, adoption of children and other situations that change the usual way of life of the family.
The ability of a family to overcome non-normative crises depends on its cohesion and the availability of resources to counter stress.
Family life crises by year
Each couple in the moments of quarrels heard from caring: "Oh! Yes, this is your crisis 1 (3-5-10) years of marriage." What kind of magic numbers attract trouble in a measured happy life?
So, for a start, they single out the crisis of 1 year of life. At this time, the family has already been created, the time for courtship, flowers, and dates has passed. In their place come disputes about who will take out the garbage, what color wallpaper will fit into the bedroom or who is the owner in the family.
Add another round-the-clock presence side by side spouses (at least on weekends) and get a lot of unexpected discoveries in your loved one. Sometimes such a lapping can be quite painful for partners.
Especially, if these are already accomplished personalities with a habitual way of life. And yet, usually, the feelings for each other are still strong enough, and the desire to please the beloved exceeds the desire to dominate.
In such cases, the crisis passes easily and without unpleasant consequences. Roles are distributed and you can relax.
But not for long, a crisis awaits ahead of 3-4 years. How strong the passions will be during this period depends on how successfully the first stage was completed.
It happens that in the first years some discontent is silenced, the spouses close their eyes to something, hoping that it will pass by itself. And then patience comes to an end.
It turns out that improperly set personal boundaries make it difficult to live, that the lovely snore of a loved one is beginning to annoy. Now is the time to reconsider their arrangements and go to meet each other.
In addition, by the age of 3-4, families often have a child. And this is also an additional stress for partners who try on parental roles.
The next crisis awaits a couple after three more years of marriage. The crisis is 7 years old. This is a crisis of monotony and monotony.
The children grew up a bit, parents learned to see each other as they were, everything settled down and ... It became boring! This is the stage of discovery of new facets in a partner, a leap in development - personal and professional.
The crisis of 14 years. At this time, spouses are faced with their own personal midlife crisis. Difficult time evaluating previous years, rethinking your life and role in it. Naturally, this is reflected in the atmosphere in the house.
Men suddenly realize that youth has passed, and are trying to return it by any means. Someone gets a young mistress, someone rides a motorcycle and spends time in youth clubs.
Others learn to see the achievements of past years and value what they have been able to acquire during this time - a faithful family, a favorite thing. Women also have changes, both physically and emotionally.
The feeling of loneliness and uselessness often accompanies women in this crisis. It is good if the spouses understand and help each other pass this difficult stage.
Ways out of the crisis
What should families in crisis do? To begin with, it’s impossible to understand that once the crisis happened, it’s impossible to continue living according to the previous scenario. And you should create a new image, rules for the family to continue its development. This will help simple tips.
- Talk with your spouse. It is necessary to discuss all the problems immediately at the time of their occurrence, not to save grievances. It is important to keep in touch with each other, to discuss goals and plans for the future, to dream together. This will strengthen the family and set the overall development vector;
- To surprise and delight your partner. How nice to receive attention and care from a loved one - it will save from unnecessary discontent and give a sense of significance. An unexpected trip to the cinema, flowers for no reason, a favorite dish or a passionate night - an immense amount of options;
- Creating family traditions. Tradition is a kind of family frame. These are the reasons that will make you go home, when you don’t want to, something that will unite in times of crisis. For example, Sunday joint gala dinner. Or an annual trip with tents to wild places;
- Consult a specialist. If the family cannot get out of the crisis itself, it is worth resorting to the help of a psychologist. Sometimes in just one or two sessions, you can re-look at the problem and find a way out.
An understanding of the fact that this is an inevitable stage of development will help to overcome the family crisis. And here it is important to see a common goal, to believe in yourself and a partner, even if it seems that feelings have cooled.
Remember, no matter what crises are waiting for you, there will always be a happy light period ahead.
In conclusion, we say that crises are a normal phenomenon. Any change inside or outside the family can affect it - and it will be a crisis. Overcoming such periods inevitably gives the family access to a new level of love and trust.
Additional information on the topic of the article can be found in the following video.
